President Hillary Rodham Clinton proved a lot tougher than most Americans had assumed. "The broad's got balls!" was a phrase commonly uttered in blue-collar bars across the land, by guys who just stepped off a truck. Instead of Bill II, we got a Thatcher-ized, I'm-no-wimp-like-my-husband matriarch who inspired 50-cent's new hit single: Crazy-Ass-Bitch in the White House. Some sample rhymes off the track: nobody messes wit dos hillbilly bitches…..
killin' Osama made her pussy get hotta.
Historians are in agreement that it was the new emphasis on Clintonian cooperation (traditionally a female quality) between the F.B.I and the C.I.A.—instead of Bush-era competitive posturing—that led to Bin Laden's capture six months into Hillary's administration. But in addition to having metaphorical balls—it turns out she also liked to play with real ones. Which was what her history-making speech was all about. Now that she was safely-ensconced in her "one tough broad" status—secure at last from right-wing accusations of weakness—Hillary chose to spend her political capital by pushing through the long-standing liberal utopian dream of creating a more sexually open America.
So on the bitterly cold evening of February 8, 2010, while frozen mounds from last week's blizzard gleamed in the full-moon glow over Washington, Hillary Clinton went down (in history that is) as the first American president—or world leader for that matter—to make a prime-time speech about……WHAT?! Did she say SEX??!!
What the hell was going on here? Who does she think she is, the Commander-In-Twat?
Right wing pundits had a field day. "She must be mentally deranged," concluded Rush Limbaugh, high on painkillers. Bill O'Reilly kept shaking his head and saying: "Whaddaya expect from a Clinton?" adding the peculiar: "I hope you’re happy now America!" A week earlier, she was able to tamp down conservative criticism of her new, cabinet-level Department of Better Orgasms (headed by David Dada a noted NYC-based tantric expert), when a report released by the agency found that a sexually-satisfied nation was not only happier—it was safer.
Sexually-satisfied people, because they tend to be more clear-headed, grounded, and focused on what's happening around them, are more likely to notice possible terrorist activity in their neighborhoods.
And who would argue with that?
But the speech! Wow! Words can't do justice. Amazing? Incredible? Awe-inspiring? It was all that and more. In its bold attempt to achieve the 1960's vision of radical sexual liberation, it represented nothing less than a paradigm-breaking, new-era ushering, sea-change in human history. It even made Bulworth's remark about blacks and whites fucking each other ‘til we're all the same color seem tame by comparison.
It turns out that when Hil was a teenager, she read a story about the cock-crazed Russian Queen Catherine the Great that held her in thrall. The real truth is, Bill's escapades aside, she'd been gettin' hers for years—long before the nubile Monica dropped to her knees to suck presidential dick. In fact, 1986 was a watershed year in the Clinton marriage. It marked the last time Bill's wobbly wang got stiff enough to stuff into Hillary, and the beginning of a "don't ask, don't tell" policy of tolerating mutual affairs. All that huffing and puffing when the Monica story broke—including the pained look on her face in that famously staged scene of the little family, dog Buddy in tow, looking bummed as they boarded the copter for Martha's Vineyard—it was all bullshit!
And what was up with her and Arnold? In developing her sex policy, Hillary arranged for several private conferences with the fitness guru—and failed V.P. candidate (on McCain's ticket). Whisperings about a possible affair—combined with Arnold's revelation to Barbara Walters that he never used Viagra—prompted the Daily News headline:
HARD-nold & Hillary.
Yes, we knew Arnold loved sex. We're talkin' major Conan balls here. This guy did more fucking in the 70's than Stallone and Travolta combined. He chilled out a little bit when he got married, a very little bit: did you think a Kennedy clanster like Maria Shriver wouldn't allow him a few affairs on the side? And his libido—which had sagged along with his box office receipts from those corny 90's movies he made with Danny Devito, like Twins and Kindergarten Cop—rekindled during his governater days, then cranked into overdrive when he got on the national ticket. Despite the fact that he was in his early 60's by then, and that his team lost the election, his sexual resurgence showed no signs of slowing down. Always an exhibitionist at heart, from his early Pumping Iron days, it wasn't difficult for Hillary to convince Arnold—especially when she was licking his balls—to help her chart a bold new sexual agenda for the nation.
Most historians today are in agreement that Arnold played a key role in shaping Hillary's epoch-making sex speech. In her journal, she admits the idea came to her in a sudden inspiration—while she was bouncing up and down on the Austrian's enormous bratwurst. The gist of her message was surprisingly simple—nothing Dr. Ruth hadn't said a million times back in the eighties: Sex is good for you. Sex is healthy. Gordon Gekko was wrong—greed doesn't clarify, sex does. And an occasional romp outside the marriage bed? Aside from being a helluva lot of fun, studies just released from Erica Jong's "Institute for a Zipless Fuck Society" showed that cheating often enhanced one's physical and emotional health. Now that an open-minded and evolved adult occupied the White House for the first time in American history, scientific evidence of what the French knew all along—that it's impossible to keep the erotic juices flowing strongly in a long-term monogamous relationship—was given political recognition by the world's number one superpower.
And as if that wasn't enough! Hillary went on to urge the unleashing of predatory female desire.
From this moment on, penises are no longer to be feared as patriarchal weapons but embraced as tools for female pleasure. So c'mon girls, join me in putting an end to the long, dark, puritanical age characterized by the suppression of female desire. As an enlightened country the world looks up to as a beacon of hope, we need to model a radical alternative to the societies that criminalize a woman's pursuit of erotic satisfaction —from the African nations which continue to subject young girls to the brutal horror of clitorectomies, to the Muslim states where burka-wrapped women are forbidden from showing so much as an inch of flesh in public, and who are punished for even a little harmless flirting. America needs to show the world that a better way is possible.
As female "pleasure revolutionaries" we can and must "flip the script" on our relationship with the penis, seeing dicks as existing for our enjoyment as much as a man's. It's our time now girls, so let's make the most of those strangely- beautiful, soft, rubbery flesh toys that get magically hard when you stroke or lick them. And if you have nice titties, jiggle them in front of a man and marvel as his snake uncoils to life. Erotic teasing is healthy, and is about to get its own cabinet ministry. By presidential decree, I call on all American women tomorrow to make a lollipop out of your finger in front of a man—your boyfriend, husband, booty buddy, or even a stranger—and pretend you're giving him the blowjob of his life; torturing him while you make him wait for the real thing….
Holy shit….TURN UP THE FUCKING TV!!!
As a tsunami-sized shock wave generated by what came to be known as simply The Speech rippled around the planet, our wondrous blue-green globe appeared to….relax for the first time in millennia. Seen from outer space, a smile could be detected—the corners of the mouth being the boot of Italy and the Phillipines. All that pent-up male testosterone—boiling and churning and aching for release—would no longer be sublimated into wars and killing people. Now that dicks were the official play toys of women, the number of planetary cum-squirts per day would increase by the millions. Ahhhhh, all that pleasure and release where before there was tension, isolation, and stress.
Men and women immediately made copies of The Speech—or at least their favorite excerpts—to exchange and discuss with attractive strangers in parks, cafes, bars, busses, subways, or in the street. All of a sudden it was fun to talk politics! High school teachers were pressured to skirt the issue as it might distract attention from preparing for standardized tests. But college campuses across the nation were abuzz with voluntary student "focus groups"—composed of an equal number of men and woman—who gathered to explore how Hillary's erotic "re-imagining" of America could be enacted on a local nuts-and-bolts level: using actual nuts whenever possible.
Often these intellectual discussions were taken to the local pub, where they lasted long into the night, then back to the dorm till the wee hours of the morning. Notable to educators was the fact that the students who volunteered to engage in these dialogues had been apathetic about politics before. According to their amazed teachers, this was the first time in their lives they took the bull by the horns and initiated a project of their own: and for the purpose of making the world a better place no less.
In the years immediately following The Speech, sociologists noticed the American public sphere growing less cold and alienated than it was in the selfish 90's and early 2000's: when the disease "yuppie-itis" reached its peak. A much more mellow and laid-back vibe, evoking the mid-seventies, could be sensed in the streets. With more people talking to one another—and not just about sex, but about their hopes and dreams for a better world—political activism surged. Voter registration skyrocketed. Union membership regained its 1950's peak. People went on strike and demanded a 25-hour work-week, so they'd have more time to pursue their erotic agendas. Gradually, a far left politics— nurtured also by the revolutions in Latin America—began to sweep across the conservative U.S. In 2012, liberals finally bagged the elephant: the "impossible" dream of universal health care was achieved at last.
Historians are mostly in agreement that it was Hillary Clinton's astonishing sex policy that snapped America out of its dangerous corporate malaise, launched it on a path to ecological sanity, and ushered in a new age of unheralded human happiness. Philosopher Michael Lerner is quick to mention the environmental linkage between his own "Politics of Meaning" movement—that encourages a sense of awe and wonder at the grandeur and beauty of the natural world—and the awe and wonder people experience during great sex. All I know is that I'm a 43-year-old man in pretty good shape, and the other day on the bus I fell into an erotic spell cast by a caramel-colored latina beauty sitting in front of me who was half my age. She had one of those hot bubble asses, a set of buoyant, bouncy C-cups—with nipples poking deliciously through her gray t-shirt—and a sultry angelic face.
Back in the bad old, pre-Hillary days of erotic alienation, I would've had to suffer just to look at the back of her tanned neck, with its enticing wisps of brown hair, and dream. Not now. Feeling a vibe from her, from the mischievous way she sucked her finger when she turned profile to gaze languorously out the window, I stealthily slipped her a copy of my favorite excerpt from The Speech—which I happen to carry with me at all times. It's from the rousing—and arousing—finale.
Go get em girls! Don't be afraid to enjoy dicks like I do. Suck ‘em whenever you get the urge—I'm sure their owners won't mind! And by all means don't neglect the balls. Balls are wonderful things. I love balls. I especially love to rake my nails against a tight ball sack while I'm slurping on a juicy meat stick. And yes, of course you should swallow: why waste all that protein and vitamins and, as Gary Null informs us in his new book, The Sperm Swallowers Guide to Optimum Health, even Omega 3's find their way into a man's vanilla shake. Ever wonder why I look so healthy? Erica Jong once said that given the nutritional and caloric value of ejaculate, no women on the planet ever needs to starve. Of course, you should also glide those stiff boners into your slippery snatches as often as humanly possible. Ride those hard dicks cowgirls, ride 'em till your body shakes and quakes from multiple orgasms, and he squirts a hot creamy load up your spasming cunt hole. Cum on America: let the sexual healing begin! (cue up Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye.)
Not only did we go back to my apartment and have the best sex of my life, she said it was also the best sex of her life. She came five times. My tongue was like Picasso's paintbrush, and her tight little pussy the canvas for my art. Later we developed a "friends with benefits" relationship that continues to work for both of us. But what touches me the most is that right before we met on the bus, she was depressed to the point of contemplating suicide. Now that she has an older male friend to guide and mentor her, and listen empathically to her problems (in-between our hot sessions of fucking and sucking), not only does she claim to be happy, she says she's filled with an overflowing joy for life.
Yes, miracles are still possible in the modern world.
So thank you, Hillary, for your brave sexual politics that led to saving this sad girl from the funk of a killer depression.
And thanks for saving America.
Originally published July 2008